Sunday, March 21, 2010

Day 80: Ever feel like you're not good enough?

... like everyone lands the gig/mate/apartment/job before you do? Even though you didn't really want what they got but still it bugs you that they got it?

I was in that kind of foul mood today. For no reason. Seriously, I was looking for all kinds of reasons for my upset. I was infinite in my creativity in placing blame for my foul mood.

I used my morning pages to figure out why I was feeling bad for no good reason. I started with surface grievances, including not wanting to do these pages or call so-and-so back and wanting to cancel all my plans, plus wondering why I owe taxes this year, not to mention that tomorrow is Monday...

... but at some point, I got to the grievance of feeling like everyone had everything before I did and I was in last place.

Then I cried a little.

Then I went back to when I first felt this way. 

At the core, there was a little girl inside that felt she wasn't good enough. That all the other kids were better at sports and math and drawing and everything. She just assumed she would never win. She had hoped only to be in the middle of the pack in order to avoid the ridicule from other children for being last. Again.

Part of this was because I was the youngest in the class. Simply the youngest. No one explained that to me when I was inconsolable about getting a bad score in Running Long Jump during Track & Field, despite the fact that they were all taller than me because they had six months on me.

Would an explanation have helped?

Who knows.

When I unearthed this childhood trauma of not being good enough, I came back to the present day and thought about all those who have landed the gig/mate/apartment/job before I did.

Maybe they've just got six months on me. Maybe I'm right on schedule. Perhaps there is a simple explanation for all this and I just don't know what it is yet. This helped bring me out of my foul mood and to a place where I felt I could...


So dear Reader, when your shit is up, this is a good way to deal:
  1. Write about it in your morning pages.
  2. When you get to the tears or feeling triggered... Jackpot!
  3. Go back in your memory to the time when you first felt this way.
  4. Soothe that little one inside and send good vibes her way.
  5. Explain from your adult self what is really going on.
  6. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as not good enough.
  7. Come back to present day and... shazaam! The feeling will lift...
At least I hope it will lift. It did for me and I hope it does for you.

Peace.





4 comments:

  1. I have to just remind you right now that you have 2 TWO (Twoooo!) books published right now and some of us have none.

    I like your recipe for recovery - the soothing the little girl approach has worked for me on several occasions. But next time you start feeling this way, remind yourself that your friend Melissa is behind you in the line of kids to get picked. You're not the last one! :)

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  2. Ooooooh....is that why? I never thought of it that way....EVERYONE had six months on me too! Hang in there girl! I totally feel your pain!

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  3. I suppose I should tell you who I am....above comment by Viki!

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  4. Ahhh.... let there be peace once again.... can completely relate to the post. Thanks for the post!

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