I was in that kind of foul mood today. For no reason. Seriously, I was looking for all kinds of reasons for my upset. I was infinite in my creativity in placing blame for my foul mood.
I used my morning pages to figure out why I was feeling bad for no good reason. I started with surface grievances, including not wanting to do these pages or call so-and-so back and wanting to cancel all my plans, plus wondering why I owe taxes this year, not to mention that tomorrow is Monday...
... but at some point, I got to the grievance of feeling like everyone had everything before I did and I was in last place.
Then I cried a little.
Then I went back to when I first felt this way.
At the core, there was a little girl inside that felt she wasn't good enough. That all the other kids were better at sports and math and drawing and everything. She just assumed she would never win. She had hoped only to be in the middle of the pack in order to avoid the ridicule from other children for being last. Again.
Part of this was because I was the youngest in the class. Simply the youngest. No one explained that to me when I was inconsolable about getting a bad score in Running Long Jump during Track & Field, despite the fact that they were all taller than me because they had six months on me.
Would an explanation have helped?
When I unearthed this childhood trauma of not being good enough, I came back to the present day and thought about all those who have landed the gig/mate/apartment/job before I did.
Maybe they've just got six months on me. Maybe I'm right on schedule. Perhaps there is a simple explanation for all this and I just don't know what it is yet. This helped bring me out of my foul mood and to a place where I felt I could...
So dear Reader, when your shit is up, this is a good way to deal:
- Write about it in your morning pages.
- When you get to the tears or feeling triggered... Jackpot!
- Go back in your memory to the time when you first felt this way.
- Soothe that little one inside and send good vibes her way.
- Explain from your adult self what is really going on.
- Forgive yourself for judging yourself as not good enough.
- Come back to present day and... shazaam! The feeling will lift...