These passes meant that she got to drag me along to whatever she wanted me to do. There was a house party in Palm Springs that she wanted to attend. I imagined drunk strangers, direct sunlight, no time to self and no escape. It sounded just awful. Hence the "dragging" aspect of the gold pass.
When I arrived at the party, there was some of that, but everyone was quite nice. Still, I became overwhelmed so I went to my room to write my morning pages. I was relieved to be hiding inside of my pages. Like I had stowed away a friend in my bag and we were playing in the back room. In my pages, I examined why I went to this party kicking and screaming. Then I remembered:
People bug me.
Why? Because if there are enough people around me, the energy drains from my system and I'm left sitting like a zombie, trying to not watch the clock. Some people come alive in a crowd. I cower and look for the quietest corner. I once thought there was something wrong with me until I heard about a book: