Friday, June 11, 2010

Day 154: My visit with Miss Malcontent

Now I remember why I don't like to relax. Because when I do, I start thinking. And that thinking leads to brooding. And that brooding leads to a visit by Miss Malcontent.

Miss Malcontent shows up to let me know that wherever I am is not as good as where I could be. She reminds me that I could live in a better town, have a better job, blog, pants size, etc. Today, she tells me that I could be in a better place: Rome.

But when I was in Rome yesterday, I thought it would be good to get to the coast. To give my feet a rest. Now that I'm here I want to turn back around. If I were in Rome, would I wish I was at the sea?

Is this a pattern? Wanting to be somewhere I'm not? Wanting to be someone I'm not?

When I met Claudio, I saw a man who is:
  1. Catholic
  2. Roman
  3. A Vatican policeman. 
This guy will likely be all these things 20 years from now. He has no interest in being other than who he is right now.

In Rome, I am:
  1. Catholic 
  2. Canadian 
  3. Carnivore 
But in LA, I am:
  1. "spiritual but not religious," 
  2. Canadian but act American so they stop saying, "You said a-boot! Ha ha ha!" 
  3. Vegan
Talk about an identity crisis.

Today, I'm not sure what I am besides:
  1. Discontent
  2. Disillusioned
  3. Distant from Rome
Oh why can't I decide where I'd like to be? Claudio figured it out. Why can't I? I've worked so hard and have jumped through so many loops to make a good (and legal) life for myself in Los Angeles. In Italy, I see people who don't work much (and resent the work they have to do) and they have a good life... I dare say a better life than my traffic-filled, deadline-laden life in LA. They earn what they need to have a good time. How nice is that? Plus, they love naps, gelato and flirting. My people.

Settling down, it seems, my not be in the cards for me. Perhaps this is my cross to bear.

What I do know about myself is that I am:
  1. A writer

At least it's a start.

I'm glad I don't have to make any decisions about what gelato to choose. I can have them all. And when I'm eating gelato, Miss Malcontent evaporates into thin air.


  1. Maybe you need to just make your list longer than 3 things. :) Can't one be a vegan most of the time and a carnivore on vacation? Those are just two line items that make you more multi-dimensional, right?

  2. Jan, your ability to adapt and truly experience life wherever you are is a gift. You should cherish it.


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