I was laying on the couch last night in the 10 minutes before my friend was to arrive for a late night walk around Santa Monica. I had returned home 5 minutes before, changed into my workout clothes and wolfed down a piece of cake for dinner.
Inside that 10 minutes, I wondered why I only have 10 minutes. I wondered why I overbook appointments to the point of exhaustion.
It's a nice problem to have. To accept enough invitations that I create a life where I'm so in demand. I realize this. I'm lucky.
But it's wearing me down. Yet, I can't help myself. It's fun to go for a walk with my friend. It's fun to meet another for a meal. It's fun to go to birthday parties and engagement parties and concerts. It's fun to get together to watch a TV series every week. It's so fun it's hard to resist.
Yet is a very important word.
Yet I'm running myself ragged and starting to miss me.
I miss alone time with self. Self is a fascinating person. I miss listening to the rambling thought stream in my head. It's hard to listen to your own rambling thought stream when you're busy listening to other people's ramblings.
My brief thought stream on the couch led to the question, What do I really want in this life?
Instant fatigue. That question is too big. So I backed up. What do I really want this week?
Self said quite calmly and forcefully I want alone time.
I spend so much of my energy managing my appointments that my life becomes a long list of things to do, which isn't much fun at all, even if the appointments themselves are fun in nature. The result is pure exhaustion so that all I end up wanting in life is a long nap.
So this week, I'm canceling, rescheduling and attempting to not be apologetic about it. Perhaps I'll go on a few silent walks. Perhaps I'll play with my new iPhone (arriving soon!!!). Perhaps I'll become reacquainted with self.
Self is super excited.