Thursday, September 9, 2010

Day 250: Spanx

I believe I just bruised my thighs attempting to squeeze myself into my new pair of Spanx.

I do not look like this in Spanx.

I look more like a sausage. 

All this to look beautiful on the outside while my insides are smooshed together like sardines. No, not like sardines. Like a fist squeezing a handful of sardines. 

The Spanx were purchased so I can look super slim for all occasions when looking slim is important, which happens to be all occasions. 

Sometimes I wish I could meditate my body issues away. If I could just rise above, I'd be fine. Then I could wear track pants to weddings, at events and out on dates and it would all be honky dory. 

Speaking of dates... this is the truth about Spanx. Many girls wear them out on dates. If there is a possibility the date will go extremely well and the man might actually make his way up the girl's skirt, the girl will go to the bathroom and remove the Spanx before he has a chance to discover them. All over the world, women are walking out of public bathrooms with girdles wadded up in their purses. Personally, I prefer to peel out of the Spanx at home and shove them in the drawer under the tampons. He'll never snoop there.

No joke. This is the honest to goodness truth. 

Why do we hide the Spanx? 

Sure, they are a bit unattractive (except for in the photo of the model wearing them above) and we don't want a man to think we aren't as skinny as we appear to be. But the real reason we don't want a man knowing about them is because they are effing difficult to get into and remove. I perform acrobatic moves trying to shove my rolls into—and unleash myself from—my Spanx. I've got legs kicking everywhere. My torso is wriggling and convulsing in every direction to dislodge from the Spanx. My arm muscles strain to reef them over my butt cheeks.

No man that we are considering getting busy with should see this. It's both horrifying and hilarious.  And it can completely ruin the mood.

I give huge props to this woman who reveals the truth about Spanx on YouTube for all the world to see: 

From this funny site:

Spanx. Friend and foe.


  1. oh wow, this cracked me up. i'm so glad your PT 'up at a reasonable time' corresponds with my 'up waaaay past my bedtime' EST. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Holy hell that video is hilarious. I hope you paused like she did to enjoy the odd butt-muffin top that occurs when you pull them up partway.

    Good to know there's a pee hole, too. That may have just convinced me to wear them for the wedding.

  3. The video is hilarious, and accurate. But one of the things that is accurate about it is that you can see that they actually work. That's why I wear them, every weekday to work, and on absolutely all dates. The thing is that you get used to them. They are tight but not unbearable. And I find that guys aren't surprised that you're wearing them because every girl they've dated in the past few years has had them on. It's no big deal. When his hand goes up your skirt and finds the Spanx, just say "excuse me" and go and take them off. He'll still be there when you get back.

  4. Funny. Very Bridget Jones.

  5. I'm just catching up with your blog and I love this entry. I'm so with you. But I gave up on power tools like Spanx a long time ago. But I do remember those days. BTW - You are gorgeous, Janice!!!

  6. That was so convincing, I just bought my own pair!


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