Monday, January 24, 2011

I am upset because...

It's Day 2 and it's not going well.

Since I quit my job before Christmas, I've had five weeks of house guests and one week of Hawaii with friends. That brings me to now, the second day of daily life with just me.

It's not going well.

I am upset because... I find myself emotional and overwhelmed by what I'm about to do. I'm about to leave my life of 10 years in California to go... somewhere else... just to see what's out there... when I don't have to go anywhere.

I am upset because... I had to say goodbye to my two friends whom I affectionately call Dolce & Gabbana in this post. They are heading in one direction and I in another. Reality is what it is. We're all aware that we don't know when or how or where we'll be together again.

I am upset because... I don't know where to start with unraveling my apartment. I'm quite Zen-like in my ways but still, unless I was Hermoine Granger, I couldn't fit all this in my handbag.

I am upset because... I'm disoriented. I start a task in one room, then walk to another and forget what I was doing. I walk back and forth, haphazardly tossing/recycling/donating/gifting the items of my life.

I am upset because... people don't reply fast enough. Today, I picked up my phone to send a text, but then got distracted and checked email instead. I never did send that text, yet I got upset because a reply (to a text that wasn't even sent) didn't come. I'm losing it.

I am upset because... I haven't had a coffee in four days.

Clearly, I am upset because... bla bla bla.

In Spiritual Psychology, they teach that when we say "I am upset because.." anything after the "because" doesn't really matter. If the "I" is in a state of "upset" of any kind, it's a clue that school is in session and this is an opportunity to heal, learn and grow.

Fucking great. 

So all the becauses don't really matter and when all the becauses don't really matter, it's harder to blame everything that happens after the becauses. Dig?

Confusing.

Yes, it's a toughy. When I take away all the stuff after the "because" in "I am upset because," I'm left with what's really going on. "I am upset."

The word "upset" means by definition "To cause to turn or tip over; capsize."

I've had six weeks of support and now that I'm alone I've lost my balance and have tipped over. That's all. No biggie.

Ahhhh, now I'm picking up what you're putting down.

 I just need a few days to get my bearings and stand on my own two feet again. To grow my sea legs. And this will require some gentleness toward self.

So, I've taken myself to yoga, made myself tea and napped. I made lists and slowly crossed items off. I stopped when I reached my limit. I tried not to judge. And at the end of the day, I felt a little better. Still, I called a friend to go dinner. Why? Because on a day like today, I learned that though I can stand on my own two feet, sometimes I need a little help from my friends.







13 comments:

  1. "How could I be lost? I was right here, on planet Earth."
    - Tracey Johnston, Shooting the Boh

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  2. I am upset because I am not there to help you go to yoga and dine al fresco and help you put stuff in boxes. Plain old upset.

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  3. Well now I'm upset because my two sisters are upset.

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  4. It’s interesting to me that after a year of posts about allowing the right thing to come, patience and what is is supposed to be and all that, that you’re assessing your situation on Day 2. But let’s address a few things shall we.

    First of all, be as upset as you want to be. Have at it. Now, having said that:;

    You’re right that you don’t have to go anywhere. Maybe you actually like your life in California. There would be worse things to admit to. But I’m a believer in when you can you will. When you’re ready to see what’s out there, it won’ t be so overwhelming.

    According to your link, you see Dolce & Gabbana every month. Unless that’s changed I’m not sure why you don’t know when or how or where you’ll be together again. And if it has changed, you can make plans to get together. Maybe traveling to them is your first trip.

    You’ve spent all this time unloading things so you could carry one suitcase when you travel. If your apartment is still overflowing, just keep getting rid of things. That’s what Craigslist is for. And if you find that you don’t want to get rid of things, ship them off to a place where you know they’ll be should you ever want them again. That’s what mom’s and sisters are for.

    So you start a task and move on to another one without finishing the first? Hmmm, a creative person getting distracted. Gambling in Casablanca? I’m shocked, shocked I tell you.

    People never reply fast enough even when you send the text. A watched pot you know? Send the text, set the phone down and do something else. You’ll hear the bell when they reply.

    Get some coffee. Not like there’s a shortage of coffee shops in Santa Monica.

    One of the many ways that I disagree with Spiritual Psychology is that sometimes – just sometimes – what does come after the “because” matters. You can’t treat a problem before you understand what it is. If you know what you’re upset about you can fix it. Upset about not having coffee, then have coffee. Really, what did you learn there? How did you grow? I’ll tell you how – you learned to get coffee when you haven’t had coffee.

    This is way to long, so one final thing. Just because you’re not surrounded by family and friends doesn’t mean you’re alone or don’t have support. You have people who know and love you whether you’re with them or not. And thanks to your blog (you’re worldwide baby!) you have people you don’t know who love you and are constantly tuning into your life. You don’t have to apologize or explain or qualify calling a friend to go to dinner. It’s what friends do for each other. It’s what they’re for. It’s in the manual.

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  5. And I am happy that you will be feeling your bearings again soon. And that this is all part of your enchanted, enlightened journey. Would a walk on the bluffs be good? A coffee at peetes, and lots of laughing about shoe clicks or my bed hair?

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  6. Wow Jeff is like a problem-solving master. I'm going to send him all the reasons I'm upset in life so I can get a reply like that!

    I think all these mixed emotions are totally normal. When I went abroad (for only 6 weeks!) I was a mess before I left too - and actually, half the time I was over there. I think maybe the pre-trip upset is a good way to get your stability sea legs back in shape for any difficult times you may encounter while traveling. There will surely be ups and downs, but you'll be more tuned to handle them since you practiced here with this. And remember, there's always wine and chocolate if all else fails.

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  7.  
    .....there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think....
    Winnie the Pooh

    We learn everything we need for life in kindergarten.

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  8. Actually we learn everything we need for life from The Godfather.

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  9. Joe Fox from You've Got Mail: The Godfather is the I-ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." What day of the week is it? "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday."

    PS. I did go have that coffee.

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  10. Nagaji: Yes, how could I be lost. I was right here all along.

    Jule and Carla: I'd love to put you both to work.

    Jeff: I sold my first item ever on Craigslist today. YEAH! Then I took the cash and went for dinner. Double YEAH!

    jeenyus888: Let's get codependent real soon. How can codependency be so wrong when it feels so right?

    Dana D: But it's just the world. No big deal ;)

    Mel Heth: I agree with you. I think I'm in training. Speaking of...

    LClarey: As I was in a difficult yoga pose today I almost gave up, then you're words came to mind "you're stronger than you seem" and I got all bad ass on my mat. I rocked that pose. I took that pose and made it mine. Thanks for that.

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  11. Like Jeff said. It's about the coffee. Good Lord girl. Get your priorities straight.

    Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's...

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  12. I am upset because my mum and dad think i am not responsible enough to have a phone! its christmas in 8 days and my birthday in 10 days everyone in my school has a phone, i am not lying everyone in my school has A PHONE! i h8 my life. And then on top of that my bro gets to have a x-box kinect can anyone give me advice or something? i need help

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