Since I quit my job before Christmas, I've had five weeks of house guests and one week of Hawaii with friends. That brings me to now, the second day of daily life with just me.
It's not going well.
I am upset because... I find myself emotional and overwhelmed by what I'm about to do. I'm about to leave my life of 10 years in California to go... somewhere else... just to see what's out there... when I don't have to go anywhere.
I am upset because... I had to say goodbye to my two friends whom I affectionately call Dolce & Gabbana in this post. They are heading in one direction and I in another. Reality is what it is. We're all aware that we don't know when or how or where we'll be together again.
I am upset because... I don't know where to start with unraveling my apartment. I'm quite Zen-like in my ways but still, unless I was Hermoine Granger, I couldn't fit all this in my handbag.
I am upset because... I'm disoriented. I start a task in one room, then walk to another and forget what I was doing. I walk back and forth, haphazardly tossing/recycling/donating/gifting the items of my life.
I am upset because... people don't reply fast enough. Today, I picked up my phone to send a text, but then got distracted and checked email instead. I never did send that text, yet I got upset because a reply (to a text that wasn't even sent) didn't come. I'm losing it.
I am upset because... I haven't had a coffee in four days.
Clearly, I am upset because... bla bla bla.
In Spiritual Psychology, they teach that when we say "I am upset because.." anything after the "because" doesn't really matter. If the "I" is in a state of "upset" of any kind, it's a clue that school is in session and this is an opportunity to heal, learn and grow.
So all the becauses don't really matter and when all the becauses don't really matter, it's harder to blame everything that happens after the becauses. Dig?
Yes, it's a toughy. When I take away all the stuff after the "because" in "I am upset because," I'm left with what's really going on. "I am upset."
The word "upset" means by definition "To cause to turn or tip over; capsize."
I've had six weeks of support and now that I'm alone I've lost my balance and have tipped over. That's all. No biggie.
Ahhhh, now I'm picking up what you're putting down.
I just need a few days to get my bearings and stand on my own two feet again. To grow my sea legs. And this will require some gentleness toward self.
So, I've taken myself to yoga, made myself tea and napped. I made lists and slowly crossed items off. I stopped when I reached my limit. I tried not to judge. And at the end of the day, I felt a little better. Still, I called a friend to go dinner. Why? Because on a day like today, I learned that though I can stand on my own two feet, sometimes I need a little help from my friends.