Friday, April 22, 2011

Dear Asshole Hotel in Edinburgh

To whom it may concern:

When I was looking for a hotel in your fair city of Edinburgh, I had certain requirements. I was looking for something centrally located. Your hotel is certainly in the city center. I was looking for internet access, which you provide at a pirate's rate of USD$20 per day. And I was looking for clean. I admit, though the place is kinda run down and in need of a face lift, it's clean.

I didn't think that Toilets That Work should have been added to the list of amenities I was looking for in a hotel. The first room I had was equipped with a faulty toilet. Fine. These things happen. How would you know it was broken if a guest didn't report it? And you were kind to give me another room.

But when I flushed in my new room, it didn't work either. 

I mean, c'mon.

I'd flush and get a trickle for my efforts. I'd flush again. Trickle again. Then I became like a Pavlovian rat flushing the toilet again and again, hoping the incessant pushing of the handle would culminate in one successful flush.

At one point, I shut the lid, opened a magazine and read two full articles while I flushed repeatedly with the other hand. Eventually, and this is probably on flush 30, I had success.

30 flushes doth not a working toilet make.

And just so you know, I'm talking about "Number 1" here. For me, the moons have to be aligned for a successful "Number 2" on the first day in a new place. But when faced with a defective toilet? Forget it. Scared like a turtle.

I will never go to your hotel again and I look forward to writing scathing reviews on hotel sites.

Your hotel sucks. You suck.

Sincerely,
Janice MacLeod

The clincher came when I checked out of this hotel and mentioned the toilet issue yet again to the receptionist.

"Yes, we have many complaints about the toilets."

Stunned.

Then. Do. Something. About. It. Fer. Eff. Sakes.

"Yes, yes. Sometimes we have to send a porter up to help people with the toilets."

Before or after they "drop the kids at the pool?"

I can just imagine if by some miracle I managed to "drop my kids at the pool" in a defective toilet, and when it didn't flush, a porter would come up and assist me with the delicate toileting system, both of us likely hovering over the "issue."

No no no. Not winning. 

Don't go to this hotel, unless you don't give a shit about taking a shit. 

7 comments:

  1. I am DYING over here!!!! Way.too.funny!!!!!!
    Lol
    Lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. When Fat Bastard said he "left a little rosebud" in the toilet in that one Austin Powers movie, I wonder if it was because he was staying at that hotel. He was Scottish, you know...

    ReplyDelete
  3. We stayed at some classy spots like that in the UK. RTW, their hotels/hostels were the worst. Just imagine... this is the worst it'll ever be :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a delicate flower.

    For me, the gold standard of hotel complaints is still this Powerpoint presentation that went viral, much to the dismay of Doubletree:

    http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/Patrizia-53194-DoubleTreeShow-Yours-Bad-Hotel-Early-Morning-Hours-ofNovember-15-2001-DoubleTree-Club-Houston-Education-ppt-powerpoint/

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a stinky subject-part of life

    ReplyDelete
  6. I forgot to warn you about the toilets in the UK. When in doubt there is always the M & S.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tante LievaApril 23, 2011

    good thing U.G. wasn't there it could be a stinky situation

    ReplyDelete

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