Sunday, June 26, 2011

An examination of the bum

Is there a more harshly criticized part of the body than the bum?

Not in my world.

I've spent my whole life trying to get over my loathing for my own arse.

I've had a few fans, but I've never been a fan.

And having this constant boring monologue running through my head for years? It's tiresome.

Never mind that my hands are feminine and I can type faster than anyone I know.

Never mind that my feet can walk me across cities, be completely in pain at the end of the day and heal themselves overnight to be ready for another day of walking. Nothing short of a daily miracle.

Never mind that I have a pretty face and only have one grey hair... that I plucked the other day and taped to the window sill to gaze at, not in judgment, but like it's an alien growth.

My first grey hair sprouted during the most relaxed time of my life.
Never mind any of this because my bum issues trump them all.

And I've got to get these issues behind me.

I'm a fan of nice looking bums. I just wish I had one. No, I wish I thought mine was one of them. Or that I was blissfully unaware of my bum, like I am about my esophagus. It's all a head game. I know this. I'm aware.

Check out Bernini's Pluto and Proserpina. I stood agape. This sculpture actually took my breath away.

I mean, c'mon. This is a sculpture... in MARBLE.
(Borrowed from here)
Yesterday was the Gay Pride Parade here in Gay ol' Paris. People paraded, danced and cheered to the glory of what their bodies gave them. And they were showing it off in a way that I never could.

Me? My gut is sucked in all the time.

Me? I wear almost exclusively A-line dresses to show off my tiny waist and make the size and shape of my bum a mystery to onlookers.

Me? I can't bring myself to feel comfortable in my bikini, except in this shot, which is taken at a flattering angle... by me, who is an expert on how to get me at my most flattering angles. Let me tell you, it takes a lot of photos.

I wish I were comfortable in my own skin.

How much do I want to lose? All of it. Obviously. Pft.

I walk for hours in the day. And what I carry with me at the back of my mind is a constant droning calorie counter, ticking off the minutes and hours I've walked, making sure I burn what I consume and hoping I burn more than I consume.

It's exhausting.

Part of the reason I chose Paris (beyond wanting to be bilingual and to hang out with a person who adores me and my bum) was so that I could have a big, safe, interesting, beautiful place to walk off my bum.

But I'd settle for walking off my bum issues.

I'm acting like I'm Jabba the Hut. I'm not Jabba the Hut. I am a healthy average weight for a woman my age.

But I'd rather be like Lady Gaga.

I've got to get my bum issues behind me. If not for me, for my nieces. I don't want them to adopt my unhealthy thought process.

I don't want her to have inhibitions with her body when she's older:
Eat your heart out, Auntie Jan.
The other day, I found myself walking behind these two lovebirds. How beautiful are they?

I think they have the most beautiful bums. And I love how their bums are hot for each other. Very sweet.
I'd just like to feel like my bum was beautiful, too.

I wish their was an effective hypnosis treatment.

Or a pill.

Or a miracle.


  1. You fret too much about the unimportant things in life .You are a beautiful person every inch of you. Healthy and beautiful are things to be thankful for,and that is what you hurts my feelings when you are so hard on yourself

  2. AnonymousJune 26, 2011

    Indeed, your bum issues are behind you ;) Love life and all it has to offer!


  3. You have an awesome mom!


    Something I found after (or in) years of therapy that the things I hated most about myself would not and could not change until I accepted them exactly as they were. It's weird, I know. But there it is.

  4. I would like to post a deep, meaningful message about loving who you are and finding your inner beauty but all I can think about right now is how I would pay good, hard earned, cubicle dwelling money to have your bum. Good angle or not. Just know your bum has made at least one girl in the world very jealous.

  5. AnonymousJune 26, 2011

    YOU have the best bum EVER. Yes, it's not small, but it's not flat like a little pancake, it's a bubble butt. People go on and on about these. You are blessed, okay? okay. You know how I feel about your butt. Get the A-line off and the jeans on, yo.

  6. AnonymousJune 27, 2011

    Beautiful writing! Have you looked around Paris and elsewhere in Europe where people seem to be so comfortable in their skin no matter the size or the age? I mean look at all the sizes and shapes showing their wares at the topless beaches. What is it with the North American hangups about the physique? I suppose in Europe it's not what you have but what you do with it! But I could be generalizing.

  7. Dude you have a bubble butt and you don't embrace it? I can't believe I didn't know this about you - quit hiding it! Guys dig bubble butts! Given that mine has pretty much been my only ASSet over the years, I've quite loved it and tried to use it to my advantage. Oh but when one turns 35, it sure doesn't look like it did when one was 25, so the embracing becomes harder.

    At the very least, thank your bum for being connected to your legs that are connected to your feet that keep you walking all over gorgeous cities. See - where would you be without that bum?!

  8. I thought this was going to be a post about the homeless situation. Maybe I misunderstood. SWIDT?

  9. Wise words and compliments on my bubble bum. Thanks!

  10. Interesting point of view, it shouldn't be a thing that keep you up at night.


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